11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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