Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
