i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
