That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
