We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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