Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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