forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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