Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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