She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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