Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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