I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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