She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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