Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
