just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
