if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
