Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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