tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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