I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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