Don't make out with my wife yet
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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