I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
