I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The best revenge is premature balding
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize