I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wish I could teleport
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
