why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
