I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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