The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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