im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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