Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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