we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize