fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
