I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
