I like my sex mixed with concussions.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
