I just saw a hot homeless man
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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