i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
