dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
