Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
