im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Randomize
