I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You pole danced in your parka.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
