someone threw a dead crab at me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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