Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
