i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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