Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize