dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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