Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
