i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
