no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
