I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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