Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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