I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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