do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
