he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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