Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
cat food counts as protein by the way
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
