I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
