Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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