im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
