two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
