Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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