Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
