and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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