Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
