Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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