I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
