Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
