I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
