I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Pooping to opera.
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