he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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